Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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