You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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