well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
