This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
