i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
