I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
