I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
