Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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