ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
