you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize