if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
