Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
