Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
