you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
