my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
