woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
