What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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