I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
dude i'm inner monologue high
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
be right there i have to get my cape
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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