I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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