okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
