why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
