Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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