so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
