i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
