if you like me you must not know who I am
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We are all done wearing pants today
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
