the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
