i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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