mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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