It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
barbara walters just said penis...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
