never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
