i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
