someone threw a dead crab at me
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
