If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
