flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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