HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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