if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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