I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
