I think my vagina is haunted
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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