Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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