i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
