I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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