She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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