hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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