The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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