I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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