Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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