White coat. Heels.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
