I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
