shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You were trust falling into bushes
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
