Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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