I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
