I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
