3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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