dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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