they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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