Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize
