i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
if only i could text you this smell
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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