I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
