1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
