I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
