She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
