I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
